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I want to have more sex, travel more, drink more wine, and love life.
Late night rant cuhs no one is texting me back
It’s funny how the last couple of months, I’ve put myself through a roller coaster of happiness and pain. I would say that I’m happy and sometimes I really was, but then sometimes the feeling of pain would randomly shoot through my heart. I always thought that if I was genuinely happy, he would try to be happy too. I see him go in and out of happiness, pretending that he was okay when deep down, he really is not. I can’t help but feel pain for him because I always thought and still think a little to this day that he was going to be someone I would be with for a long long time.
It’s hard to leave someone who admitted that he is in depression. And it’s even harder for me to feel so helpless because I cannot help him through this pain he’s going through. It’s definitely something he has to figure it out himself and I still wanna be his support system. He straight up told me that he cannot have anyone help him. It sucks sitting here not being able to talk to him everyday like I used to and help him get through this pain.
I feel guilty sometimes for being genuinely happy because I know that he is not with himself. I’ve achieved most of my goals this semester: find an internship, pass my AMS class (even though theres two months left of class, my teacher told me I’m passing so AWESOME), and staying active in DSP to know who the pledges are. The one goal I haven’t achieved and maybe won’t achieve by the end of the semester: work on friendship and/or relationship with him. One of the things we’re both exact opposite is that I can balance things on my plate while he cannot, which is why he says he needs to figure this out first before he can have a relationship with me. I was willing to put him as a priority on top of everything else, even at a time when I lost my job, I was afraid my little wasn’t going to be active, and I was deciding if I wanted to continue being active for DSP. I was at my lowest this summer and he wasn’t there for it. I continued showing my support for him even when he didn’t care.
It took me a long time to stop relying on him, but a part of me still wants to be with him to make him happy and show that I’m not going anywhere. I still love him a lot and I still want to be with him. When he told me he will come find me once he figured him out, it makes me scared on whether I should wait for that moment to come or just move on with my life. On top of that, my feelings are confused with someone else and I do not want to do anything about that.
I guess I just have to go with the flow and see what happens later on. Life just knows how to throw curveballs at you so I’ll never know what will happen. Just gotta accept life and its obstacles.
Anything in life is possible. Listen to your heart. Follow your dreams. You are the master of your own destiny.
